Hello there, I know you are probably busy, you have a large list of chores and wife who is panicking because she does not want another December failure, but you need to stop, put the hammer down and read. You may have many things to get done, the wonky table needs fixing, the bathroom light needs to be replaced and the gutters need to be cleaned for the festive lights to be hung and I know your wife is frantically stuffing a bird that is not a turkey, because they were sold out, but you need to slow down. If you hurry, you may end up making bad choices, for example, when fixing a wobbly table, simply examining which leg is wobbling and screwing it back in would work and remember to screw to the right, otherwise you may become frustrated and punch the wooden leg, bruising your knuckle and worsening the wobble. Next, you may rush into the bathroom to change the light while you wife is taking her shower, while her exotic bird is in the oven. Here, you need to focus, as there are two distractions that will hamper your decision making. The first is the steam in the air, as you well know your wife can only have a shower if the temperature burns off her first layer of skin. This steam makes the light moist and slippery, dry your hands before touching them or better yet, wait till she has finished. I would strongly recommend waiting, as not only will you reach for the light and have it slip from your grasp, but the visual distraction of the woman you love showering will steal your eyes, so that you do not see it smash and cut your hands. Now, a rational man might stop and heal, but in the moment, wanting to shrug the pain off to both impress and hide your embarrassment from your wife, you quickly wrap your hands and replace the light, lying to your wife what the noise was. Your final poor decision is to go outside, with the ladder, and scamper up. Here is the pinnacle of poor judgement. First, you must be careful not to rashly place the ladder, for placing one of the legs on a small rock will make it unstable. Next, climbing quickly will make you fail to notice the ladder rocking and finally, at the peak when you reach out and realise the ladder is too far, instead of repositioning, you lean, and you die. You fall, your weakened hands unable to save you and you land on your head, cracking your neck. Then I would arrive, and you would be looking down at the body folded unnaturally and see your wife screaming, wondering who the dead man is. I would then have to have a long and tedious discussion trying to prove that you were dead, and you would not believe me, and I would like to avoid that. You see, as much as I am who I am, I am also like a man susceptible to the influence of the feminine. Do not thank me for extending your life, instead thank that unfairly cute woman who knows how to use a smile. Apparently, she thought that it would be sad for your wife to have to mourn like this, especially as she wants nothing more than to die with you and considering how careful she is (and how careless you are), I imagine this will not be my only letter. So, heed my warning and avoid ruining another December.
From Death.
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